Breastfeeding in Public

I am going to take my life in my hands here, and talk about a subject which is very controversial. That is the subject of breastfeeding a child in public.

I believe this God-given ability has become a means of rebellion rather than what it is meant to be, a natural means of sustenance for a baby. You might ask why I would say that. I say that, because one of the things that this blog is about is consideration and manners, and what this issue has devolved into is crudity and exhibitionism.

I believe that a woman should be able to breastfeed her child. I breastfed both of mine. What I do not believe is that a woman has the right to offend people in the manner in which she does it. It requires some thought and sometimes work, to be thoughtful and sensitive of others. Goodness knows our country with all its political correctness (that has gotten out of hand) is all about not offending others, but this seems to be a one-sided issue, as most political correctness is. What I have observed is that it is really about one group of people complaining about how no one should offend them, while they feel they have every right to offend everyone else. It has become a very unequal issue. Courtesy is a two-way street.

While I have noticed that the younger generation of women, especially, have no modesty about their bodies (you can find nude pictures of everyday people on the internet by the millions). The clothing they wear is deliberately designed to expose and accentuate the very parts of their bodies which should be kept under wraps. Then they complain that men are treating them as sexual objects. Well what do you young women expect? It is a well-known fact that men are sexually stimulated by sight. They do not have to care about the woman to be aroused. That is one of the great differences between men and women and to ignore that difference is merely showing stubbornness and ignorance.

My sons, who are in their late twenties, are very embarrassed by seeing a woman drop her blouse (not discreetly move a piece of it aside, but literally drop her blouse to fully expose her bosoms as a great many of the young mothers seem to be doing) to nurse her child. A woman's engorged breasts are one of the most sexual turn-ons a man can see. They do not see a Madonna nursing the baby Jesus, they see a couple of really large, sexually stimulating breasts. The fact that a baby is attached to them does not negate the sexual appreciation of them. Whether a man wants to admit it or not (and many will not admit to it, because they don't want to be accused of being a pervert by these same women) all men (unless they are gay) are turned on by naked breasts, especially big, bouncy ones, which is how a breast full of milk looks. To try to shame a man into denying his natural inclinations is not going to change the fact of what is. It merely is an excuse given by immodest and inconsiderate women to have the opportunity to expose themselves under the guise of a legitimate reason. And yes, I am saying that these young women are using nursing as an excuse to expose themselves without having to feel guilt about wanting to be publicly naked. It turns them on. There is a reason for this.

As mentioned above, this younger generation seems to be obsessed with nudity and exposing themselves. I believe it is a result of society making girls believe that unless they are shapely, gorgeous, and willing to expose their bodies, they are not desirable. I do not entirely blame the girls for their subconscious and sometimes conscious attitude. I think society and the broken relationships of the family, with girls not having the father figures they need to give them the self-worth they should have, has caused this dysfunctional mentality in our young women. They desire to be desirable, and showing off their bodies is one way that our society has convinced them that this can be achieved. However, many young women do have enough modesty that they would not just expose themselves without a good reason. Breastfeeding gives them that reason. Add to that the fact that when nursing, hormones are released that give a woman an intense sexual feeling, it makes her extremely vulnerable to the seductive idea of exposing herself to enhance that feeling that nursing releases in her body.

While I would not deny a woman the right to nurse in public, for the sake of not making men, who would rather not feel sexual attraction to a woman they might not even know, and for the feelings of people for whom modesty is a serious issue, it behooves young mothers to nurse their baby discreetly. This means wearing garments that allow one to nurse without having to completely disrobe down to the waist. It means taking a light piece of cloth or baby blanket and covering your breast. It means turning your chair in such a way that you are putting your breast out of immediate view to those around you. It means go into another room in someone elses house if there is no alternative or a more private area if available. It means, God forbid, that sometimes you may need to pump out and take a bottle before you go somewhere, because it would just be inappropriate to whip out a breast at that particular situation. And yes, there are times when pulling out your fully exposed naked breast is inappropriate, whether your baby is hungry or not. Think ahead. Do not be so lazy that you do not consider the feelings of others. Not every place is La Leche League and wants you to be pulling your breast out for all to see.

I realize I may come across as harsh, but while these young women scream and kick about their rights, they are completely ignoring the rights of others. Rights are a two way street. Sometimes we have to give up or compromise our rights for the sake of courtesy. Courtesy is what makes the difference between a barbaric society and a cultured one. Ours is currently on the downslide to a barbaric one, because while everyone is consumed with their own rights, they ignore the rights of others. Courtesy says that I will compromise or forego my right for the sake of keeping a comfortable atmosphere for all around me. When everyone takes this attitude, then people get along. When some people insist upon their rights to the exclusion of others sensibilities and rights, that is when conflict begins, and society breaks down.

I will not accept the excuses given by so many young women about the difficulties involved in not being allowed to expose themselves whenever and wherever they want. I successfully breastfed two children over the course of several years and never had to make someone else feel uncomfortable. I did not have to pump out all that often either. It takes some forethought and planning at times, but it is not impossible. It is called courtesy and modesty. Please young ladies, have some. Be discreet.

I have often used the comparison, to the jeers of young women who disagree, when I ask them if they would be comfortable having a man pull out his penis and urinate in front of them. I am told this is not the same thing. Well, yes, actually it is. He is using what is normally considered a sexual part of his body for a natural function of the body. Just as a woman uses a part of her body that is normally considered a part of her sexual anatomy for a natural body function. The only difference is in their inability to accept the truth that these are basically the same situations. Both have to do with a sexual part of the body being used in a non-sexual way to take care of the body's nutritional needs. One is to excrete food for another person, the other is to excrete the food which the body could not use or process. So if you do not want a man exposing himself to excrete urine, the final product of having eaten, then realize that some people do not want to see you expose your breasts to excrete milk, the initial product for eating for your baby.

Now if you ask me, since we supply places for people to urinate, do I not think we need to provide places for women to nurse, I would respond with a resounding "yes." However I do not think that the way to make this occur is to take the path of offending people in the process. I think doing something that is more productive in its proactive stance would be far more courteous and intelligent. Find ways to create these places for other women. Do something that will improve the situation, not cause division. Just as handicap stalls were added to bathrooms, I think a separate lounge area with a children's table and chairs for other children and rocking chairs for nursing mothers near the restroom facilities for convenience of dealing with diapers and such (and also because they generally stick the restrooms in an out of the way, quiet area which would be good for the babies) should be incorporated into all large public facilities such as malls. For small places like restaurants or small stores, maybe a small area separate from, but within the main entrance to the women's bathroom would be a way to handle the situation. I have seen public restrooms like this, with a sitting area with couches outside the bathroom stall area, but still within the entrance to the bathroom. It was for women who felt faint, wanted to fix their garments, do makeup touch ups, etc. It would certainly solve the problem in my mind, if women would avail themselves of it, were it provided. I am also sure there are those who will still want to flex their "rights" regardless.

In closing I ask that young mothers please stop and consider what they are teaching their children. Are you teaching them to do what they want regardless of whether they are being courteous to others, by demanding what they believe to be their rights at that cost, or are you going to teach them to respect the feelings of others and learn to compromise and even maybe sacrifice in order to maintain a comfortable atmosphere for all. If everyone took the latter approach, just think of how the world would get along. Everybody would be compromising and sacrificing to make everyone else comfortable and so everyone would win.

The History of the English Afternoon Tea

When one thinks of England, one automatically thinks of tea, but that was not always the case. Coffee and chocolate houses were the establishments of the day. Hot chocolate was not as we think of it today, where it comes with the milk and sugar already added in a dry mix form. It was offered in the same way coffee is. It was the bitter liquid of the cacao bean to which one added as much cream or milk and sugar as one desired. These coffee and chocolate houses were places where gentlemen could meet to transact business. Women were not welcome there. It was a man's domain. Women could get their coffee and chocolate at home or their friends homes. In fact hot chocolate was a favored breakfast drink.

On December 31, 1600 Queen Elizabeth I granted a charter to the British East India Company to establish trade routes, ports, and relations with the Far East. At first the merchandise being imported consisted of spices, cotton, silks, and indigo. Finally tea became an import during the 1670's due to Charles II. Charles, who was in exile, had grown up drinking tea, unlike the British for whom the national drink was ale. After becoming King, he married Catherine of Portugal, who was also a tea drinker. Her dowry brought with it the use of Portuguese ports which gave England direct trading rights to tea. With Charles monarchy re-established, the royal couple's tea drinking initiated a new trend among the court and upper classes, as everyone wanted to copy the royals. Soon all were drinking tea and it replaced ale as the drink of choice.

At first tea was not a commercial product imported in great bulk. In 1660 China tea cost in today's terms roughly $1,150 to $2,600 a pound. That is a very expensive cup of tea. Only the very rich could afford to drink it, therefore it was not much in demand and did not need to be imported in large quantities. In 1658 Thomas Garway, a merchant, was the first advertiser and seller of tea at his coffee house. It was far too expensive to be popular at that time. However with the royals drinking it and influencing others to, by 1678 the East India Company saw an opportunity and need to import more tea. Charles II favored the East India Company and extended them unprecedented powers for trading so that tea could be brought in in greater quantities at lower prices.

At first this new custom of drinking tea caused an uproar in Britain. People began calling it a filthy custom that debauched and robbed people of their health, stature, and women of their beauty. One has to wonder if this came about as a result of jealousy that the lower classes could not afford this luxury. Even famed evangelist John Wesley (founder of Methodism) was reported to have said that it caused “symptoms of a paralytic disorder,” which is humorous considering that today we consider tea not only a restorative, but also a healthful drink. For the most part, with people having this attitude, tea was only used by the apothecaries for medicinal purposes.

By 1706 Thomas Twining purchased a coffee house and offered tea as well as coffee. The antipathy seemed to be lifting from the prevailing attitude, and with lower prices and the model of the upper classes, tea suddenly became popular. Twining had to open a second house in 1717 strictly for tea. By the early 1700's there were 500 coffee houses in London offering tea. It was outselling the coffee. Twinings of course not only was the originator of the tea house, but is now a world famous brand of tea.

Queen Anne furthered tea's cause by choosing it as her regular breakfast beverage over her normal ale. Now with the prices coming down, and the middle class overcoming their objections, tea became the beverage in all classes, not just the upper ones. Thus when people came to America, they brought their love of tea with them. Although this is a piece of American history, not English, it does have a connection to Britain. When the Boston Tea Party took place, in 1773, this was a much greater loss than people today realize. The three ships of tea in the harbor were valued at what in today's terms would be $238,000,000. That was an enormous loss of revenue.

Getting back to the history of English tea, we come to the reason for which the Afternoon Tea came into being. Prior of the introduction of tea into Britain, people ate two major meals and one light repast. The breakfast meal consisted of ale, bread and meat (kidneys or beef). This was followed at mid-day by a large meal. Then in the evening a bowl of oatmeal or other light fare was taken to assuage hunger pangs. With the Industrial Revolution, working families could no longer eat big mid-day meals as the workers were not at home. They would come home exhausted at the end of the day to a table set with meats, bread and butter, cheese, pickles, and tea. This was not the dainty finger sandwiches and scones, but what we might call supper or even dinner. It was eaten sitting down at the dining table which was of normal table height, as opposed to the lower tea/coffee tables where the afternoon teas would be taken. As such, this evening meal became known as “high” tea due to the height of the table. In time, when Afternoon Teas came in to existence, they were served at the lower table that we refer to as coffee tables, hence were “low” teas. This is the opposite of what people perceive to be a high tea. It has nothing to do with the refinement of the meal, but the height of the table.

By the mid 1700's the upper class had already changed their eating habits to match the working class. Breakfast was the same fare only with tea instead of ale, lunch was a very light fare, but dinners were large meals and served no earlier than eight-thirty in the evening and many times as late as ten o'clock, if there were a ball. These dinners were long multi-course meals (sometimes as many as fourteen courses), nevertheless it was a long time to go without eating from noon to ten at night.

Anna Marie Stanhope, the Duchess of Bedford (1783-1851) could not handle these very long stretches of time without food. She started taking to her boudoir secretly in the late afternoon to partake of tea and snacks of macaroons, bread and butter, tiny cakes, tarts, scones and similar fare. After a while her friends found her out and rather than condemning her or making fun of her, they thought it a grand idea. Apparently they were hungry also. So with her friends approval and joining her in her new habit, she came out of the closet and introduced the Afternoon Tea. This soon became the “in” thing to do and quickly became not only a ritual, but a mark of status of gentility of a lady. How you gave a tea became the gauge of your status and you were judged accordingly.

Afternoon teas became even more popular with the opening of the Tea House, Lyons, which not only opened their doors to and served women (remember coffee and chocolate houses had been strictly a man's domain), but also employed young women as waitresses. Now a woman (properly escorted by a man) could come and socialize with her friends in an acceptable public place rather than be restricted to her home. In the 1730's, tea being so popular led to the opening of tea gardens. These opened as early as April and closed in September. The most well-known tea garden today is found mentioned in many a Regency or Victorian romance novel. Its name being Vauxhall Gardens.

Vauxhall Gardens was not considered a public place, nor was it open to the working class. There was an entry fee required which provided for all the tea (and alternative beverage) and bread and butter that you could eat and drink. Its many paths provided places for strolls and romantic assignations. Entertainment was always provided. Musicians such as Handel presented their works there for listening or dancing. There were other amusements such as hot air balloon ascents, tightrope walkers, acrobats, fireworks, and of course the gardens themselves. At night the place would be lit with hundreds of lamps. Tipping a waiter originated in the Tea Gardens of England. Small locked wooden boxes were placed on tables in the gardens. Inscribed on them were the letters T.I.P.S. - To Insure Prompt Service. If a guest wished a waiter to hurry so that the tea arrived hot (the kitchens were a long distance from the tables) he dropped a coin in the box as he was being seated. So we can blame the Tea Gardens of England for the custom of tipping waiters, although nowadays we do it after we are served.

Tea Dances began around 1819 and continued in popularity through World War II. People would gather between the hours of five and six-thirty in the chosen venue. Tables and chairs were assembled around the dance floor and an afternoon tea menu would be served while the people danced.

The ritual of Afternoon Tea led to what was known as the “At Home.” Around the mid 1800's the coffeehouses morphed into exclusive gentlemen clubs. Women were allowed in the tea houses, but only with a male chaperone. With men going to their clubs, it left women without available chaperones to accompany them to the tea houses, so the only action left to them was to serve teas at home. It became the ritual to set aside a day to have your “at home” hours. A lady would send out formal invitations with the hours, dress, theme of the tea, and stay home all day to receive the visitors. As ladies would choose to do this on different days, if a lady had many friends, she could find her time filled with going to “at homes” all week long.

These “at homes” would sometimes be more than just a tea with food. The ladies started created themes around their teas to make them more interesting. It also made them more exclusive. They offered musicales, dances, tennis, and bridge to name a few of the various activities offered. It was the custom of these teas to give the honored guest the job of pouring tea. This seems counter intuitive to us to make the honored guest work, but as tea was so expensive and was locked in caddies, like precious jewels, it was considered an honor to be asked to serve tea. If no one was designated as an honored guest, the hostess would pour out the tea. If the honored guest poured the tea, the hostess would pour the alternate beverage, otherwise if the hostess poured the tea, the daughter of the house or a close friend would pour out the alternative beverage.

With the rise of all these tea houses, gardens, and “at homes” it became necessary to impart a type of etiquette upon the custom. In time the Tea became more ritualistic and ceremonial and accumulated a set of rules of etiquette. These rules were serious, serious business. You were judged harshly on your refinement as a lady based upon your knowledge of all these things. A Mrs. Beeten put together a massive tome on all the rules of how to not only give a tea, but how to properly do every job in your home. Knowing all of these rules was imperative if one wanted to climb the social ladder, and with the Industrial Revolution providing more money, the middle class was climbing the social ladder. They took it even more seriously that these rules must be stringently adhered to, for they were trying to elevate themselves and ingratiate themselves into the upper class.

During this time three types of formal social visits came into being. There was the “Congratulations or Condolence” visit in which you would leave a calling card with a message. Depending on whom you were and how the person receiving the visit felt about you, you may or may not have been received. The second type of social visit was the “Ceremonial” visit. This was kept brief and if another person came while you were calling you excused yourself and left. The entire purpose of this kind of visit was to elevate your social standing by being able to name drop with whom you were socializing. The third type of visit was the “Friendship” visit. If you were a good friend, you did not have to leave if someone else arrived. The entire purpose of your visit was to spend time with your friend, so you were under no obligation to observe the proprieties of the ceremonial visit. It was all these type of rules that made the Tea into an art form rather than just people socializing.

Today in this country the Afternoon Tea is making a comeback, especially in the South, although it is gaining in popularity in the North. It can be found to some degree all around the country. The reason it is making a comeback is because women seem to have reached a place where they are tired of the rat race and are trying to capture some of the romance and elegance of a bygone era. They are also seeing the need for “me” time in which to slow down their lives and take some relaxing, special time to spend with their friends to connect and bond in a day and age when everyone is communicating by electronics. It also provides an opportunity to do something which has also gone the way of the dinosaur - to dress up and especially dress up in feminine frilly clothes of the past, such as hats and gloves. Women are also using it as a health benefit. Slowing down, relaxing, drinking tea which is full of antioxidants, sharing burdens and joys, and just pampering themselves is relieving a lot of stress in their lives.

It is also becoming a practice in the business world to have Business Teas instead of Business Luncheons or Dinners. With this in mind, etiquette schools are on the rise, especially for the political and business world. With people traveling all over the world and the different etiquette of different cultures, people need to be briefed on the rules of the culture they will visit. Tea seems to be a constant across many nations and cultures. Even colleges, seeing the lack of etiquette and manners in new graduates, are giving short courses on this to prepare them for careers in various fields. Lastly, Tea Rooms are opening up all over the country and it is nice when a person visits one to know the proper way to behave.

Theme Ideas for Afternoon Teas

One of the fun things about a Tea is having a theme.  Naturally if the Tea is in honor of an occasion, that is the Theme - i.e. a bridal or baby shower, a birthday, a retirement, etc.  But even then you can further refine the theme, for instance do you know the sex of the baby?  If it's a girl, you may choose to have everything pink, or if a boy all things blue.  That can include the food.  

Other ideas for themes can fall into many categories.  Some suggestions are following:

The Rules of Etiquette Regarding an Afternoon Tea

One of the newest ways of entertaining for showers, parties, business meetings, and just friendly gatherings is to have an Afternoon Tea.  Many people find themselves at a loss to know exactly what the proper etiquette or attire is to attend one of these events.  Naturally the reason for the event will dictate attire, but the rules regarding the etiquette should be the same no matter what the reason for the Tea.  

The first rule is dependent upon the situation. If it is a gathering where everyone knows each other, this rule is irrelevant.  That is because the first rule is to introduce yourself to other attendees.  Tea is a communal experience and therefore it requires that you meet at least some of the other people in attendance.  In a large gathering that is obviously not practical, but you should go up to people, introduce yourself, and unless they have their hands full of teacups and plates, you should shake hands.  If you do not know what to use as a conversation starter, you can always talk about the Tea party itself as an ice breaker.  Some subjects to avoid are the usual politics, religion, and controversial subjects.  You should also never ask a person what they "do."  Nor should you ask personal questions.  You can ask about hobbies, what books they have recently read, what movies they have seen, what sports they may enjoy or follow - things of that nature. A helpful hint to remembering someone's name is to try to repeat it a few times by inserting it into your conversation as you are speaking to the person.  Another memory device is to associate something about the person with the name.  It may take a couple of steps to make the association, but you will be surprised how helpful it will be.

The Proper Attire for a Tea Party and Other Occasions

The one things that seems to be predominant throughout all of America is that people do not know how to dress up for occasions anymore.  I have been to the ballet and the opera and have seen people come in jeans.  I am appalled.  What is acceptable at a movie is not acceptable at the Metropolitan Opera.  I have not been to Europe, but from some friends that have been, I understand that at least in some countries people wear gowns and tuxedos to these concerts, and rightfully so for they are formal affairs.  Just as Americans have lost all respect for each other in the way of courtesy, manners, and etiquette, so we too have lost all sense of appropriate attire.  That should not be surprising, I suppose, as the two really do go hand in hand.

As one of the main subjects of this blog is Tea Parties, I will mainly address this area of attire.  Much of your decision as to what to wear should come from common sense as to what you will be encountering in the type of event you are attending.  There tend to be a few different categories of Tea Parties - Formal, informal, business, and outdoor.


"Formal" Afternoon Teas (in tea rooms, for showers, etc.) would require dressier types of clothes.  For men a suit is the proper attire. For women a dress is definitely preferred, but it must not be a miniskirt.  The idea is to strive for elegance.  Knee length to ankles are the style dresses that are acceptable.  A dressy pantsuit (not business style) is also acceptable, but you are also striving for femininity, so dresses are more appealing for that purpose.  Hats are not only a nice touch, they really are indispensable for having the real Tea experience, and essential for garden teas.  Some tea rooms have hats which they keep for guests to wear, but personally I do not care to put a hat on my head that has been on dozens or possibly hundreds of other women's heads. 

How to Make a Perfect and Proper Cup of Tea

Anyone can microwave a cup of hot water and throw in a tea bag, but do you have any idea of the difference between a cup of tea made that way and a "properly" made cup of tea?  It is quite remarkable.  Once you taste the difference, you will never want to go back.  This was brought home to me in a unique way.  I was hosting an Afternoon Tea and giving a lecture on the "Fine Art of Afternoon Tea."  Naturally as this was all about experiencing a real English Afternoon Tea, I had done my best to offer exactly that.  While the loose tea I used to make the tea was not the most expensive imported tea in the world, it was still a good quality loose tea.  During and after the Tea it was not the food that was being remarked on, but the quality of the tea they were drinking. Some had never tasted tea of this quality before.  Now over a year later, someone just remarked to me the other day that they still remember those cups of tea that they had at my party.  Truly there is nothing quite so good as a properly made cup of tea.

So, how do you make a proper cup of tea?  It really is not that hard.  The first thing you need to do is purchase some loose tea. Buying tea straight from a distributor of estate tea is obviously the best you can get, but it is expensive. For beginners I would recommend seeing if your local supermarket has some. I know that Lipton puts out a loose tea and Walmarts carries it.  

Why Are Courtesy and Etiquette Important?

In today's society there has been a complete breakdown in politeness, manners, courtesy, and etiquette.   What is the difference between all of these words?  Here are some definitions to help.

Customs – a practice followed by a people of a particular group or region.

Manners- the prevailing customs and social conduct of a specific society, period, or group.

Etiquette – the rules governing the correct or acceptable behavior of a society.

Courtesy – the showing of politeness in one's attitude and behavior toward others.

Politeness – showing consideration for others. Refined, elegant.

When one travels to other countries, one finds that other cultures (some more than others) find their customs, manners, etiquette, and especially courtesy to be very  important. In America we have seemingly decided, as a culture, that they are unimportant and have lost all sense of what manners, etiquette, and especially courtesy are.  The present generation coming up does not even seem to know that such a thing as courtesy exists, and why should they?  Their parents do not seem to have any manners either, if observation is any clue.  How many times do you have a conversation interrupted with someone because they have to answer a cell phone?  Sometimes you feel as if you were invisible, even though you are the one in their presence.  Do people say "please", "thank you", or "excuse me" anymore?  When was the last time you received a thank-you note for a gift?